I just ate more strawberry yogurt than the average human being should probably consume in one sitting

Don't forget about all the random links strewn about the blog. If it's dark pink, it'll redirect you to a photo someplace.

"Icky thump, with the lump in my throat, grabbed my coat and I was freakin', I was ready to go."

I have spent the last two days wandering around downtown Shinjuku, a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed tourist, clutching a water bottle and sporting the remains of a horrible sunburn bestowed upon me during one boiling Harajuku afternoon. 

After having my senses constantly barraged by music and flashing lights and people screaming advertisements and people walking and talking and yelling on their cell phones and babies screaming and old people sneezing, all I want to do really is take the happy private line back to Tanashi, close my door, and have it be silent.

Shhh.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Quiet.

Thaaaaaaat's it.

Unfortunately CRAZY PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE GIRL won't stop running up and down the stairs in her crazy slippers that make an obnoxious clapping noise and echo throughout the building. What do you possibly need down there? Couldn't you have made one trip? Here, don't bother, I'll get it for you, just stay the fuck up here!!!

In other news, more cultural observances from the home front.

1. Man Purse

It has come to my attention that the majority of Japan's hip male population between the ages of 16 and 45 have developed the curious trend known only as the man purse. Coach, Guess, Givenchy, and more are common household names among both elegant ladies and their male counterparts, who feel more than confident getting on a train with something like this, this, or even something like what our friend Robert Downey Junior sports on his day off. 

Yohei has one similar to our friend Bob's here, with the brand name Adidas across the side in big brown letters, with a pink bear claw he won from a crane machine dangling from one of the straps. You can call it a messenger bag if you want, but especially if it's hanging off your shoulder with two short straps, you're just damn lying to yourself. After being around it so much, I guess I can see the functionality of it. Can't fit your oversized cell phone in your pocket? Man purse. Have too many large bills of cash to cram inside your wallet? Man purse. Your perfect Japanese hair won't stay in place and you need some emergency hairspray? Man purse.

2. Tank Tops

Tank tops--there are none. Yeah, you can buy them in department stores. But I have yet to see one Japanese female who is sporting only a tank top. Even in this 95 degree weather, the girls are almost always buried in ridiculous layers like this, and somehow manage not to sweat. Unfortunately, tank tops and jeans are essentially the only clothes I own. So upon getting on the train looking like this, minus the puppy, I get stared at for being a whore for even longer than I normally would. Which brings me to:

Reasons I Get Stared At On The Train

1. I'm white

2. I'm wearing a tank top

3. I'm eating a muffin 

4. I have huge tits

5. I have facial piercings

6. I dress like a character from The Crow

7. I use excessive profanity

8. I usually have a guitar on my back

9. I'm silently busting out some wicked air guitar with my headphones in

I already got stared at for reasons 4-9 back in the states, so as long as nobody gets on my back about it, I'm totally cool. Sub number 3 brings me to main number 3.

3. Eating Outside

Eating outside--you don't. If there's a cafe with outdoor seating, by all means, go ahead. But if you were to order a hot dog, take it outside, and walk along the city streets cramming it into your face, my bet is that you would receive a plethora of horrified glares and hear angry mumbling within earshot before your second bite. The Japanese are too polite to tell you so, of course, but eating outside is almost as bad as taking a whiz in the middle of an alley. If you're not bothering anyone else, who cares, right? These guys care. If you buy a slice of cake from a cake stand, you take that motherfuckin' cake home and you eat it. If you buy some takoyaki from a street vendor, you either stand right there until you've finished it, or find the closest table and don't leave until you've cleaned your plate. Today I ordered some kind of tropical smoothie blend from Excelsior Cafe, and because I didn't feel like sitting around inside I walked around with it. I already get weird looks, but they were even weirder at that point. Fuck off, I thought, as I swung my waterbottle and adjusted my tank top straps. I'm a foreigner, I can do wha ah want. 

4. Hair

The hair in Japan is both fascinating and sometimes horrifying. In adults ages 30-50 I guess, the hairstyle is standard--black and just below shoulder length for women, cropped short and slicked back for men. But for the teenagers and young adults, shit has been known to get kinda out of hand. A recent trend for women is something clean and simple--piling all of your hair on top your your head in a bun so you uncannily resemble Buddha. Otherwise it's usually one of two things--pulling your hair back into an oversized scrunchie (yes, they are still very much in style here...if you don't have one that matches your outfit, you're lame), or just letting your hair dry after you get out of the shower and be done with it. The women tend to put basic effort into their hair, but seem more focused on the fashion aspect of their daily look. Men, however, go for the gold. A fair amount just kind of grow their hair out and let it dry--these are usually the kinds that you find with an oversized backpack, tattered converse, reading a book of manga on the train--but most of them have customized their hairstyle to defy gravity and shock and awe those they walk past. Mostly their hair is dyed, anywhere from a chocolate brown to a light blonde, just above the shoulders, with either pieces individually flipped and curled, or teased to all hell. It's ridiculous, no doubt. But I'm not gonna lie, 90% of the time, it's hot as hell.